the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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