He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
