I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
