did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
