Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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