it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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