Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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