You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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