After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
