Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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