I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
