You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
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