To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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