I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
