i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We left the knife in your bed.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
