i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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