Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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