i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I'm always down for nudity.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
