Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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