Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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