you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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