the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
