from now on my penis is your penis
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
