I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
My liver just broke up with me...
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
