I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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