come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Pooping to opera.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
