so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I need water and some morals
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
