fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
