She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
