this beer tastes like vomit already
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
