does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
