i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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