Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
