FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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