Tell her she can't have a vagina
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
