she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Drake has all the answers
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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