Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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