So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
