Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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