I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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