Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
