It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
