he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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