Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
