somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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