My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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