I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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