I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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