One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
