i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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