Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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