I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
