I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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