My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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